Heyyyy

So, blogging has taken a back burner to literally everything else right now. But I am currently sitting in a booth waiting for my next cue. I'm running spotlight for Oklahoma! at my school. I've never run spotlight before. Ever. Not even in high school. It just was not something I ever did. I did however run light board and a little bit of sound board. But yeah. That is where life has me at the moment. And I got denied to do my own show in our student directing lab. So someone else is going to be the main contact for it but it will still be my show which is exciting because I want people to see it. I want people to come and see what I can do and having written something that is completely my style but completely out my ordinary repertoire. It's dark and sad and not at all what I usually write and it's awesome! But just like any other person I am so critical of my own work that I know I can make it better. But for now it's awesome. I'm really excited to see it take off. On another hand I'm loving living in my own apartment. Sometimes it gets crazy but it's nice being so close to campus and work. Speaking of work they are really good about working with me and they know that I'm valuable so they keep me and the pay is good too so it's not too bad. =] Other than some stressful days it's been a pretty good couple of weeks.

Meh

I'm moving. To fairborn. To be closer to school. I bought a puppy. His name is Jack. He is a Pyrenees and an Australian Shepard mix. I'll post photos later. And I have real responsibilities. Like rent. And utilities. And I'm scared out of my mind. I'm terrified that I won't be able to do it. I'm scared because I'm leaving my home of 9 years. I'm scared because I'm at a really awkward place in lifr where I need my fiance and my mom and they are both in seperate cities. With Jess being in fairborn and mom being here in jamestown. My mom has been the only solid figure throughout my whole life and I have no idea what I'm going to do without her. She is my hero. She raised me after my dad passed and was there and loved me. She is that mom that's always there when you need her and I'm really going to miss her. But now I also have Jessa and it breaks my heart to be away from her. I'm so torn between wanting to stay with my mom forever and living my own life. The song landslide aort of describes my life right noq because I have built my life around these two women. I know that moving on with my life is what's best. I know that when I'm rich my mom will be living in her own wing of my mansion but its just sad right now.

So I've decided..

I have decided to make this a regular blog with just a little bit of everything. There isn't enough happening right now with my transition to make this blog worth reading. I have an update maybe every 3 months right now. So when that picks up I'll talk about but in the mean time I can talk about other stuff. Thanks for being patient. I hope you all still read this lol

Blahh

I am unable to make a video as of right now so I figured I'd just write. Today has been really rough. I have been doing tons of research on transitioning and right now everything just seems so impossible. Like, money wise and finding someone to work with me. My weight seems impossible. Everything just seems so impossible today and on top of that I came across my exes web page. It was just so ridiculous. She met her boyfriend because I introduced them. She started dating him about a week after we broke up. Not even. She lies to everyone to cover up the fact that we were actually together. She's a stupid selfish bitch. And the only satisfaction I get is knowing she's probably pregnant and not going anywhere with her life. And she got uglier since we broke up. But whatever. She's stupid and I have definitely done better. It just really upset me and made me sad. And everything today just makes me feel so bad about myself and my life. In fact the only brightness in my life right now is my fiance. We finally set a wedding date. May 16 2015. So I'm truly looking forward to that. She's everything to me. I just wish I could get everything else to fall into place now.

Video #5

Video #4

More Support

Video #3 Part 2

Video #3 Part 1

The Support

Be Proud

Would you still be proud
If you knew what's inside
It's trying to get free
You only ever saw the best in me

I hope I don't disappoint
When I say I'm not who I used to be
I hope for you I'm enough
But now things are getting rough

I'm busting from the seems
Trying to hold together this life I live for you
But I can't hold on any longer
I've got to be that much stronger

Daddy, I'll always be your little girl
But it's time to be your son
Please love me when I'm through
I only ever saw the best in you

Will you still be proud
You only ever saw the best in me


I like to write. And this came to mind recently with all of the changes I'm making with my body. My daddy passed away when I was 11 and I can only hope that he would be as proud of me now as he was then. I hope I haven't disappointed him. I hope that I'm at least half the man and father that he was.

Video #2

The first video